Oh no! You again?

Dear Co-worker that I can't stand,

Do you realize that everytime you speak to me in that condescending and passive aggressive voice, you make me want to rip your head off? I mean really? Do you think that anything that you have to say to me is important enough that it actually changes from the normal 'blah, blah, blah' into something interesting?
And by the way, not to be insensitive, but since you started it, the reason you are not married or dating has nothing to do with those horrible men out in the universe. The decent guys are all just hiding from you because #1 you can't possibly get duller and #2 you think you are interesting (which works out to be very annoying) #3 you say snide little comments all the time and then finish it off with one of those smiles that lets everyone know you are thinking 'i'm amazing and you are a moron' which of course is not true.
Now I normally wouldn't bring up the 'you are single' card but because that is all you can ever talk about, I'm just going to answer your constantly burning question of 'why you aren't married.'
Okay, I think I crossed over into the insulting area, so to back up a little, you do have nice hair and you usually do a good job of putting yourself together.

Yours truly,

Me

P.S. Please don't ever speak to me again. Thanks so much.